Lost and Found
by Willful Redhead
Summary: The brothers set out to help find a missing neighbor boy.
1. Adam

_Dear_ _Dad_,

_We are all_

I clutch the pencil in my hand and wonder again at it. This is a dumb idea. I turn from the blank page in front of me and shove it back into the desk drawer.

I've got it in my head to write my dad a letter. I don't know why. It's not like he can read it. He's been dead and buried nearly eleven years now. I suppose it might be my wife's doing. I swear I love that girl, but the way she pushes me to talk about things! The FBI ought to hire her to train their people! She's a good foot shorter than me and tiny! But Lord! She's got some power over me. We'll be having a perfectly normal conversation and all of the sudden she's got me talking about the time my Dad and I had to put down Shep, the dog I've had since I was born. I do not know how she manages it. You can believe the subject of me stepping in to raise my brothers has come up from time to time. That girl! I swear she was hand picked by God.

The truth was I could probably stand some talking and sorting things out, I guess. I had three hours when they died. I alone went to the hospital but they were already dead. So I waited until the dawn for my brothers to awaken so I could tell them Mom and Dad were gone forever. I had three hours. That was my time to grieve and the last minutes of my boyhood.

From the second I stepped into that room filled with my six younger brothers, I became The Grownup. It was my job to help them and take care of them. And I have, well at least, God knows, I've tried.

Hannah has pointed out on more than one occasion that three hours is hardly sufficient. She's right of course. But life doesn't always give you enough space for what you need. Sometimes more important things crowd in. I've pointed out to _her_ on more than one occasion that a crying two year old can keep you pretty occupied.

'Course that two year old is long gone and the gangly twelve year old that's in his place has nothing but memories of a happy childhood spent surrounded by his brothers. I miss him being little though; his little hand reaching for mine. He was the sweetest kid, hell, he still is. He took to my wife like nothing you've ever seen, and the love goes both ways. I've no doubt she will be a fantastic mother because she already is.

I got a million things I ought to be doing but instead I'm sitting at this stupid desk brooding. My brother Crane would be quick to point out thinking's not my strong suit. He doesn't mean I'm not smart, he just means that I get too broody when I spend time thinking. It happens every winter. Things slow down and I've got time enough to stare up into a dark sky. I used to spend most of those nights grieving all my dreams; mourning that the life I'd been given would leave me forever alone with only these brothers as company. That grief's long gone- replaced with a twenty-three year old brunette with giant brown eyes, surprisingly long legs for someone five foot five and a temper like you wouldn't believe.

I set the pencil down and click off the light and head to the house. It was a stupid idea anyway. What good would it do me to write to a man long dead - however good a man he was. I cross the cold yard, and see her. She's waiting for me on the front porch wrapped in a parka; my parka.

"I was about to come looking for you." She grabs my hand. Her skin is so soft and she smells so damn good all the time. I lean down and kiss her on her neck which drives her crazy. "What's the matter?"

"Nothing." I say pulling her close to me. "Nothing is with you here." And I mean it too. She's the sun and the moon; she's my heartbeat.

I'm leaning in to kiss her thinking that _this _is a much better way to deal with my spare time as I slide my hands up inside the stolen parka feeling her soft, smooth skin, when two of my brothers come out on to the porch and I am reminded again that we will never be allowed to be newlyweds.

"Adam! Will you please tell Daniel that I need the jeep. You said I could take it." My brother Evan steps out on the porch, Daniel close behind him.

"I got a gig! Adam!" Daniel whines.

I love my brothers. I really do. But sometimes I wanna chuck them off a cliff.

"Can't you see I'm busy?" I say irritated. I turn away from my wife who blushes - which kills me. "Why can't you drop Danny off? You can get a ride back. You're not babies; work it out."

"But I . . ." Daniel begins but I shoot him a look. He backs down. "Yeah, that would work."

"Yeah, I'll drop ya." They turn to go - thank God, and I turn back to my wife.

"Sorry, Hannah." Evan says and follows Daniel back inside.

"That's alright boys." She says her hands on my arms. She looks up at me with a grin and I shake my head. She stands on tiptoe and kisses me but all too soon, we hear from another brother.

"Adam did you check on that motor? I think it's shot and . . ." Brian pauses and Hannah rests the top her head against my shoulder laughing.

"Sorry." He says, "I didn't know you were. . ." He blushes and I wonder how he's planning on finishing that sentence when Guthrie steps out onto the porch.

"Yipes! It's cold!" He says. "Adam can you sign this permission slip? I need. . ." He glances around. "What's everybody doing?"

"Nothing." I say not bothering to hide the bitterness and Hannah laughs out loud, squeezing my arm.

"You finish that history assignment, Guth?" Hannah asks stepping away from me. I fight the urge to curse.

"Ye- - esss. Well, mostly." He looks at the ground.

"Need help?" She asks him. "I can help ya."

"Yes!" He says and she comes to stand next to him and he leans against her side. They walk into the house together - he's holding onto her arm now with his hand. She looks back at me and winks, but wrinkles her brow in worry as she's caught me swallowing down tears.

I don't know what it is, but seems like every time I see her with Guthrie like that, it makes me wanna bust out bawling. He is such a good boy and he deserved to have her his whole life long. My brother Brian and I did the best we could to raise that boy with just as much love as we were raised, but two cowboys could never equal one mama - hell, even six cowboys couldn't do it.

I shake my head at her and she lets it go - for now. But that beautiful interrogator is gonna come after me later. The phone rings and Brian answers it. His face is bearing concern and stress when he returns.

"What?" I ask him. I can read Brian like my own face. He's just nineteen months younger than me. And my biggest helper when it came to raising the babies as he always called our brothers. We fight sometimes - like an old married couple and he reacted like a jealous girlfriend when I brought Hannah home. But he's adjusting to her and starting to like her even.

"The Collins are asking for help. Tim hasn't come home and its dark. He was helping look for a stray lamb. They found the lamb but not him. Everyone is gathering at the barn."

Hannah looks up and says, "I should go."

I debate arguing with her. It is pretty cold and will be dark soon. It never takes long to find Tim. But the girl's so headstrong. She teaches first aid all over the county and they could probably use her help just in case. Last time, Tim had sprained his ankle. "Bundle up." I tell her. "Guthrie, you and Ford stay here. Bedtime at the normal hour." I tell them but know they'll stay up late.

"I can go over this with you in the morning." Hannah tells Guthrie and then kisses his cheek before rising. "Night Guthrie."

"Night . . . Hannah." He says and I wonder at the long pause between those two words. What was it he wanted to say?

She heads upstairs to get changed - right now she's wearing a skirt and as she passes Ford, my shy second youngest brother, she squeezes his arm gently.

"Night, hon." She says and he ducks his head blushing but before he does I catch his eye. His love for my bride so clear but he's too shy to ever really show it.

We load up into the jeep which was in dispute earlier. The needs of our community come before anything else. Tim is seventeen but his brain doesn't work like yours and mine. He's slower so on the inside he's more like a seven year old. He wanders off from time to time - distracted by something on the horizon. The temperature is dropping rapidly so I hope we find him quickly.

The whole community is gathered near the Collins' barn. Murphys is small and everyone knows each other. We know what to do whenever Tim is missing. They split us into groups and assign us areas to search. We've done this before and Tim is usually found quickly. They make sure there is someone with first aid training in every group. Hannah ends up in a group that includes Brian.

"Keep your gloves on." I tell her.

"Don't be overly heroic and do something stupid." She tells me. "You don't have to impress me."

"Oh, I know. You are easy, girl." I tease her. It's our joke. One thing Hannah's not -is easy. I had to wait until I married her to hold her naked in my arms. She's _that _kind of girl.

"You!" She says shaking her finger at me, her cheeks pink from the cold and from embarrassment.

"Be nice." I say to Brian and he shrugs with a grin.

"Not in my nature." He says. He glances at Hannah beside him. "Let's go, troublemaker."

She winks at me and follows my brother. I think she has figured out what I have; Brian secretly adores her but he's just too terrified to admit it. Loving folks is pretty damn dangerous. I'm not even sure he's realized yet how much he cares about her.

I join my group and we set out fully expecting this to be a typical and quick Find Tim Search Party. I wish to hell it had been.


	2. Brian

My sister-in-law, Hannah, is half my size, but I'm hard pressed to keep up with her. She's got a maternal streak a mile wide and chasing for a lost kid is right up her alley. She powers ahead of me searching desperately.

"We search for Tim about three times a year." I explain, trying to reassure her. "He just loses his bearings or forgets the time. He used to have a dog, a beautiful Australian shepherd who would herd him like a calf - pushing him home at the right time, but he died two years back. Tim won't accept another dog."

"It's pretty cold." She answers.

Hannah's awfully pretty. I'll give my brother that and she is as sweet as can be. The babies fell in love with her day one. I'd have to be a hard-hearted monster not to melt at the sight of my baby brother resting his head on her shoulder.

But I'm protective of my brothers - especially Adam. He's had enough pain and anguish in his life. Hannah is so small and fragile - anything could happen to her. Losing Mom and Dad was something we've managed to survive, but losing her would be the end of him. He'd be destroyed. One of us has got to protect us, so I hold myself aloof. That way when the painful days come, one of us will be strong enough to help the others survive it. It is my job to make sure that there will be someone to help him if he ever loses her. People are pretty fragile things and it is dangerous to care about them. So I'll play the bad guy, and keep her at arm's length for Adam's sake. At least that was my theory, but I'm starting to find it harder and harder to hold myself away.

"How long does it usually take?" She asks me as we all pause to drink some water.

"Just about an hour or so." I tell her but all the while I'm looking at Vanessa Gibbon who is also in our search party. She's beautiful but still so furious with me because I stood her up last year. Ford had the flu and I couldn't leave, but she was not understanding about it at all. Hannah follows my line of sight.

"She's pretty. She keeps watching you." She says looking at Vanessa.

"We went out for a bit." I confess. "But she wasn't keen on instant motherhood." I explain. "Not too many woman are." I sigh.

"I imagine not." She grins at me, revealing her dimples. I glance away shaking my head at her.

"Just the crazy ones." I tell her, and she laughs out loud.

"Or the ones who've been tricked." We start moving again then, and there's no more time for talk, but I wonder at it.

She _was_ tricked. Adam talked to her all about us, but never mentioned that she'd be living with all of us. I can still see the look on her face when I told her that we all lived in "her" house. I said it harshly too. I wanted her to leave, but she's pretty damn stubborn, and loves my brother right down to her soul. She stayed. I don't think I would say it harshly now, knowing what I know. Her leaving him even on that very first day would have crushed and destroyed my brother. From the first second he met her, it was already too late.

We continue and it is as the night drags on that I'm filled with dark foreboding. Tim's never been missing this long.

"You're worried." She says glancing my way. She's pretty good at reading every one of us. It is kind of impressive really. 'Course it wouldn't take a genius to pick up on my worry right now.

"He's never been missing this long." I say, shifting my backpack. "Something doesn't feel right."

"Yeah." She agrees looking up at me with those damn big, brown eyes of hers.

Mom had brown eyes, and nose that turned up just a tiny bit at the end just like Hannah. Looking at her is a little painful because she looks a little bit like our mom - just enough to remind you. Adam says he never even noticed it, until Crane mentioned it.

"Seriously?" I asked him disbelieving.

"The kind of thinking I was doing about Hannah," He explained blushing. "Well, Mom never once came to mind."

"Oh." I said. I can understand that, I guess. It is weird for me to think of her that way though, after all, she's my sister.

Sister.

The word pops out unbidden and I realize that all my stupid attempts to keep her away and protect myself for Adam's sake, have been useless. I glance at her and sigh, recognizing all my feelings for her. _Damn it to hell! _ I almost say it out loud.

I'm so caught up in my inner thoughts that I don't see everyone stop right at first. It isn't until she grabs me by the arm saying, "Brian!" sharply that I look where everyone is now pointing.

_No_.

He must have fallen over the edge and we can see him down below us. He is so still and we can't tell from here if he's breathing. I sigh. _This sucks! _ I think. His leg is bent at weird angle - definitely broken. Everyone is moving into action; getting a rope ready and a backboard out. I glance over at Hannah who is closest to the edge. The look in her eyes . . . and suddenly I realize what she'll do and I turn to try and stop her or at least slow her down, but it is too late. I watch as she recklessly scrambles down the face of the cliff.

"Wait!" I yell. "Hannah! Damnit! Wait!" I run and peer over the edge, my heart hammering in my chest.


	3. Hannah

_Author's note: Thanks for all the kind reviews so far. I was thinking that if you read my stories, you would believe that the most dangerous thing you could do in Murphys, Ca is go for a walk alone. I've got people plunging over cliffs all the time! It is a warning to us all of the dangerous of the outdoors!_

_I really appreciate all of you who take time to review my stories. I hope that this one is enjoyable to you, and if not, well, thanks to our founder May, you've got plenty of other stories to read about our McFadden boys, don't you!_

***7***

I can tell by the way he's laying that Tim is hurt really badly. He might even be dead already. I know that I ought to wait and get a rope and be careful, but I am filled with panic. From where I'm standing I can see his blond hair, and looking at him I can imagine with my mind's eye that it could be Evan, or Ford. I shudder at the thought, and then without even thinking, I scramble down. I can hear Brian yelling at me the whole way down. He's furious. I can't really blame him. It was pretty reckless.

Tim's laying face down and I run through the basics. His pulse is faint, and I can tell by the way his leg is twisted that it is broken. He's a big kid, but his beat-up tennis shoes remind me so much of Guthrie that I have to pause and take a calming breath. I push the faces of the brothers out of my mind. His breathing is shallow and I recognize we've got to get him stabilized and out of here quickly.

"We need medivac!" I yell up. "His leg is broken. I think probably some of his ribs too! We need the backboard right now!" I bite the inside of my lower lip nervously wishing that Adam were at my side.

I'm not surprised to see Brian climbing down the cliff to me. He's probably just dying to yell at me some more. He's got a rope around him - no doubt just to show me what calm and sensible people do. I quickly wipe my eyes hoping he won't see my nervous tears. I hate for him to think of me as weak or foolish. I wish, more than just about anything, that he liked me. It would make things so much easier. He lands beside me and they immediately lower the backboard down to us. He comes to stand beside me.

"You couldn't wait for a damn rope?" He say angry, but I'm too focused to argue with him. In some ways, Brian is just a big stubborn child and right now I don't have the energy to deal with a temper tantrum.

After the board, Ed climbs down to us, and I am relieved that I have two strong men to help me roll Tim onto the backboard. His mind may be like a small child, but his body is not. He must be nearly six feet tall and there's no way I could move him alone. We stand closely together. Tim landed on a small ledge that has just enough room for all of us. If I look to my left I can see down, down, down into the canyon below.

"What's first?" Brian asks me and I glance at him trying to read any sarcasm.

He really makes me nervous. Adam loves him so, and I want for him to approve of me, but it seems like nothing I do really ever makes a dent. I have moments when I start to think that maybe he does like me, but then something will happen and he'll sigh or roll his eyes, and I'm left feeling like a failure all over again.

"We need to get him stabilized and out of here." I say, trying to sound confident.

I earned extra money in college teaching first aid. I shared an apartment with a girl who was a nurse, and she told me teaching first aid was an easy way to make money. She helped me get certified. I was always struggling to make ends meet and it was great to have another source of income, but after a while teaching classes, studying and waitressing all got to be too much. I needed to take some time away from school to build up savings and then finish. I left school with just three semesters left.

I had decided to get rid of a useless expense that was plaguing me and so returned to my home which happened to be just outside of Murphys. My mother had put a bunch of my grandfather's stuff in storage when she sold off his farm. I returned home to get rid of it, and eliminate that bill. I found myself in Murphys and luckily for me, Marie needed some extra help at the cafe. My life took a massive turn then, and not six months later, I found myself with a new last name, and a de facto mother to six orphaned boys. Well, really only three boys - the rest were already grown.

I can still remember their faces that first day that Adam brought me home. They were all so shocked. I was too, but their eyes were so big - every single McFadden boy has beautiful eyes. I remember somewhere during that first week, looking around at them, and thinking, "_What have I got myself into?"_ And then, they looked at me those giant eyes, and I was helpless. Even, ever-grumpy-impossible-to-please Brian has the sweetest eyes, especially when he's looking at Guthrie. I just wish his eyes weren't filled with daggers every time he looked at me.

"Let's splint his leg." I say. "Then we can strap him to the board."

We work together, and managed to roll him onto the board, very careful to move him as little as possible. It is essential with back injuries to keep people still.

"Easy, hon. Breath." Brian says to me as he squats beside me. I'm checking Tim over now that he is flat on his back, and hadn't realized I was holding my breath until Brian said something.

I exhale slowly, and try to steady my hands. I sure hope Brian doesn't notice that they are shaking. I want him to think that I can handle myself in a crisis. "Okay," I say. "We should move him up off this cliff face."

They throw down ropes, and we secure the board and they raise him up the side inch by inch. Ed, Brian and I all scramble up too, and then with all the lanterns around him, we radio again where we are. We'll need to move to a clearing so that the medivac can land and take him to County Hospital. We work together to carry the board, but even as we set it down in the small clearing just a half mile away from the cliff, I have such a sense of dread. He looks smaller now that he's laying on the board, and his bangs have fallen over his left eye. He reminds me so much of Guthrie that my stomach churns. Guthrie is the absolute opposite of Brian when it comes to me. Everytime I turn around, I'm tripping over him. He is the sweetest boy I've ever known. I've told Adam that he should've brought Guthrie along that very first time we met. I would've married him on the spot to spend my days helping raise that sweet boy.

I look down again at Tim as we set the board down, and try not to think of Guthrie at all. They put the lanterns all around him again, and I can tell that something is not right. I check him over again, and that's when he stops breathing.


	4. Brian 2

"Brian!" I hear Hannah's voice, and it rattles me. She turns white as ghost while she's leaning over Tim and then looks up at me with wide, frightened eyes. "He stopped breathing. You have to help me! Brian! He doesn't have a pulse!" Her voice is so different. She sounds small. She sounds lost.

"Okay." I say and wish that I'd been kinder to her in the past, so she would know that I will do whatever she needs. I wish that she knew she can lean on me. I will not fail her.

She moves to begin breathing for Tim and I work the compressions. She counts the steps out loud, and we are synced in a perfect rhythm breathing for this young man. In between counting out the steps, she breathes out prayers. She is amazing; unbelievably strong. From the outside she looks so sure and confident, but I can tell by her shaking hands, and the way she chews the corner of her lip, that she is terrified. All time seems to stop in that clearing; it is just the three of us.

Hannah and I continue breathing and pumping his heart, over and over again. We work together for what seems like hours and hours and hours. I guess it must have been minutes only. Soon we can hear the sound of the chopper and it lands not far from where we continue to breath and pump Tim's heart. Even as the EMTs approach we continue; both of us focus on the boy laying in our hands. They finally push us out of the way, taking over and work together to move Tim to the waiting helicopter.

And then he is gone and we are all alone on the darkest of nights on a hill just outside of town. We haven't moved from where they've pushed us aside, sitting on the cold ground across from each other. I have never felt so exhausted in all my days. It is bitter cold, and I'm so tired that I can hardly stand. I rise slowly and stretch my back.

"Brian?" She says and her voice is so soft and fearful. It sounds nothing like earlier, as she went through the steps to save that boy's life. I look down to where she is still sitting on the ground. I kneel beside her.

"Come on, Hannah. We can go back to town and wait to see what happens." I tell her and put my hand under her arm to help her rise. She is trembling and I wish Adam were here. He can comfort her best. "Let's go, hon."

But she looks up at me and shakes her head.

_She knows_.

"Maybe they can . . ." I try to think of something they could do, but I know it too.

This will be the last time we go out to look for Tim.

I sit down facing her thinking of Tim's mom and Dad, and his two sisters. Losing someone you love is unsurvivable. I feel shaken and I am struck by the memory of my little brothers weeping. I shudder thinking of all the dark and painful days that lay ahead for them.

I look at my sister-in-law who I never wanted; who I tried so hard to push out our front door. I am filled with so much . . .She will be so sad and broken-hearted and it fills me with such pain to know she will suffer.

"Hey, you did the best you could." I tell her, and she nods, her eyes filling with tears.

"You did too." She says and reaches up and pats the side of my face with her small, soft hand. I nod at her and blink back tears. I rise and reach out my hand to her to help her stand too. We stand facing each other for a minute and then I am hugging her to me.

"It's okay, Sis. It's okay." I say and the two of us stand together, our arms wrapped around each other. I lay my cheek against the top of her head.

"Maybe . . ." I say to her trying to be hopeful. I hold her away from me so that I can see her face.

She wipes her eyes and nods her head, "Yeah, maybe." She says and gives me a sad smile. She pats my arm, and I kiss her on her forehead.

"Let's get back." I say to her.

Everyone keeps away from us. They don't know what to do or say. We were all together on that dark hill, but only Hannah and I were with Tim as he . . . my sister and I alone, struggled to make that boy's heart resume its steady beat. We walk numbly; silently toward the Collins barn. Everyone is clearly shocked. Everyone fears the same thing.

I watch Hannah out of the corner of my eye. From time to time a tear slips down her cheek, but I can see she is somehow managing to keep it under control. I know that as soon as she sees Adam, she'll let it all go. In his arms, she'll allow herself to deal with the overwhelming emotions.

And I know now that I'll never be able to hold her at arm's length. I never really could. She is family just like Adam told me that very first week. She is my sister and when that horrible day comes, _if_ that horrible day ever comes, someone else is going to have to help all of us because I, just like my brothers, will be utterly destroyed.

We all walk back together, slowly. It is dark and we are tired and there's no lost child to rush to find. I am exhausted, and know Hannah must be too. She holds onto my hand the whole way back, her fingers clinging tightly to mine until Adam comes running to meet us; his arms outstretched to embrace us both.


	5. Adam 2

I let Crane drive. Brian sits slumped in the the front seat. I ride in back with Hannah who sits with her face away from me, watching the darkness of the night.

"Hey," I say holding her hand and trying to pull her to me, but she resists. I see her wipe her eyes. "Hon?"

"Not just now." She says squeezing my hand. "I don't want . . ." She indicates my brothers in the front seat.

We never have privacy. From day one my poor girl has had to live life under the watchful eyes of my six brothers. We gave up trying to hide our fights and our making-up.

"If I wait to kiss you only when no one is around, I may as well be a nun!" She told me once.

It is true, too. So we live our marriage smack dab in front of my brothers. They know when we are fighting and they've seen us kissing too. She's a good woman but so deserves more than I can give her. She has the right to fall apart in privacy without my brothers to witness it. She's a proud, strong woman.

I nod at her and sigh, our eyes meet for the briefest of seconds. Hers are filled with such pain that I feel as though I've been stabbed and I don't care that my brothers are riding along in the jeep with us. All I can think of is her; Hannah, my everything. I scoot over wrapping my arms around her, kissing the side of her head.

"Adam." She whispers pushing me away deeply frustrated that I'm not listening to her. I sit back from her but just an inch.

"I'm sorry baby," I tell her wiping tears from my eyes. "I don't give a damn about them. You are the only person on earth just now."

I reach a hand out and rub her cheek and she nuzzles into it. She swallows down tears and leans against my shoulder.

"It's okay Hannah." Crane says meeting her eyes in the rear view mirror. "Brian's nearly asleep and I got my eyes on this road." He winks at her.

"Brian's not asleep." She says. "He's just pretending." Still nestled against me, she reaches forward and squeezes his arm. He half turns so he can see her and his eyes are just as sad as hers. I want to sit beside him too.

He reaches out and squeezes her hand. "You be quiet, trouble maker." He says but his voice is so kind. He glances at me no doubt reading the worry on my face. "Throttle down, Dad." He says to me. "You take care of _her._ You're finished raising me." He says as he turns back around settling back into the passenger seat.

I say nothing, but Brian knows just as well as I do, taking care of the people you love is never, ever over; not even if you lay them in the dark earth.

When we arrive home, I leave the talking to Crane and take Hannah upstairs. She's cold, exhausted and in shock from the night's struggle. I lead her to the bathroom and turn the water on. "You need me to stay?" I ask her.

"Adam!" She says sharply, angrily.

"No," I say realizing what she thought I meant. "No, hon. I just . . . You are so tired. I'm afraid you'll slip and fall."

"Oh," She says blushing. "I . . ."

"I'm flattered though." I say with a grin and holding her chin in my hands kiss her gently. "I'm gonna check on the boys." I run my hand through her brown curls and leaving close the door behind me.

I run smack into Guthrie. I should've known. That boy follows her like a shadow.

"Tim died?" He asks.

"We don't know yet." I tell him pulling him close to me. "He was hurt pretty bad."

"Bad_ly_." He corrects me looking up at me with a grin. He knows how I feel about grammar. I kiss the top his head feeling comforted to be able to hold his sturdy body in my arms but think of Tim's father who won't ever be able to hold his son again.

"Is Hannah okay?" Guthrie asks. There aren't enough words to explain how deeply it affects me to see how much that boy loves her.

"She's worn out and sad. Aren't you tired too?" It's three in the morning but our house is lit up like Christmas. None of us have slept, not even Ford or Guthrie.

"Yeah." He admits. "I just wanted to make sure she was okay. You take care of her Adam."

"Count on it, partner." I tell him and we go downstairs to check on everyone.

***7***

Hannah has put on a pair of my long johns which are so long in the leg she has to roll them, and one of my henleys. Her skin is pink from the shower and her hair is wet. She sits cross-legged on our bed, but is silent. She hasn't said more than two words since we returned. When I checked on Brian earlier, he was just the same. They are both in shock, I think.

"She was really strong, Adam. I didn't know she could . . . that's the toughest girl I've ever known." He said looking at me, and I can see something new in his eyes; admiration. "You go take care of her." He said pushing me away.

I look at her now, knowing he's right. I can't imagine anyone tougher than Hannah. The things she's had to tackle, and not just since marrying me either. She looks small right now, though. She looks beautiful.

"How about some soup?' I ask her, but she shakes her head. It is just after four in the morning, but I am all out of sorts. I am hoping the phone will ring and someone will tell us of a miracle, but it doesn't look good at all.

"I brought you some hot chocolate." Brian says leaning against the doorjamb, a tray in his hands.

"Thanks." I say surprised.

"You should try and sleep." He says to her.

"You should too." She says back but her voice is hollow.

"Yeah, I should." He agrees. He sets the tray on the nightstand. He hesitates before leaving us. "You did really, really good, Hannah. You should be proud. LIfe is full of things you just can't control. Don't . . .don't." He struggles for control. Abruptly, he crosses to where she sits with her chin down, staring at the quilt on the bed. I'm sitting beside her to her left, and Brian sits down facing me, just to her right. He reaches out with a gentle hand lifting her chin. "Hey, now, you listen to me. You did everything you could. You were fantastic, and I'm really sorry that it didn't turn out so good. I'm proud of you, Sis."

_Sis._

I'm shocked by the word, and by his tender concern. He rises quickly, but not before kissing her forehead. He strides out the room, we once shared, but pausing just before stepping into the hallway, he says, "You take good care of her, Adam. You keep your arms around her, huh? I'll manage the boys. You just stick with your girl." He closes the door behind him and is gone.

I turn to face her and find myself fighting tears. _What the hell happened out there?_ I wonder. It is everything I had been hoping for - an easy peace between my brother and my wife. No, more than peace; open affection between two people I love most in the world.

I don't know what to say to her. Tim was not breathing when they loaded him onto the medivac and Brian said the faces of the EMT communicated volumes, but we haven't heard anything.

I can still see her face as their search party came back. The two of them were walking together and she was holding onto Brian's hand. She looked somehow smaller, and even as she ran to meet me, I could see her face crumple into tears. She fell shaking into my arms, and whispered softly, "Don't let go." It shattered me.

Hannah has been teaching first aid classes since before she married me. That's how she met Marie, who I suppose is my fairy godmother. If Marie hadn't hired Hannah, I might never have found her. She's good at teaching those classes and enjoys getting away from the ranch, and Lord knows, she could use some time with other women, but now seeing the repercussions of actually putting her knowledge to use, I wish she'd never even taken first aid.

I move to sit beside her and she wraps her arms around me. I feel the familiar weight of her head resting against my chest.

"You want to talk?" I ask her.

"No." She says in a soft voice that is filled with sorrow.

"I'll just keep my arms around you then." I say and lean back against the headboard with her in my arms. We sit in silence and she is so still and so quiet that I think she's fallen asleep, but her muscles are too tense.

"It's just . . ." She says finally. "His tennis shoes . . ." Her voice breaks.

"What?" I say gently. "Honey?"

"They looked like Guthrie's, you know, all beat up and . . . his hair is blond like Ford's. He's all arms and legs like them. I kept seeing their faces, you know, not his." She lets out a long sigh, but just as I think she's finally going to let herself cry, she rises up out of my arms, and moves to leave the room.

"Hey, wait! Where are you going?" I ask her.

"I just want to check on them." She says and her voice is brittle with tension.

She's so stubborn about letting go of all the stress. She'll do just about anything to avoid falling apart. But I can't really blame her for needing to check on them. I remember once when Guthrie was little, he snuck out riding alone and got thrown from his horse. His arm was broken and he was out a good three miles from home. When I saw his horse come back empty and about threw up. It took me two hours to find him, and when I did I cried like a baby, but later, I couldn't sleep. I knew he was tucked safe in his bed, his arm in a cast, but I paced most of the night checking on my brothers over and over. Every time something happens it reminds me, like a kick in the gut, that life is tenuous at best.

I follow behind her as she looks in on my brothers. Ford's arm is hanging over the side of the bed. That boy's gonna be the tallest of all of us I think, and right now his arms and legs are long spidery things that he can't quite always manage. She lifts his arm tucking it back on the bed and gently adjusts the covers around him. She pauses to kiss his forehead, and he stirs a little but sighs contentedly. I think he must recognize her love even sound asleep.

We go downstairs to where Guthrie sleeps with Brian. We ran out of space along about the time Ford came along, and Guthrie has never been able to sleep alone. He used to wake every single night with nightmares, until he met Hannah. Guthrie is asleep in his bed, but Brian is sitting up watching over him.

"Had to check, huh?" He says to her.

"Yeah." She admits in a whisper. She sits beside our baby brother and tucks the covers around him, brushing the hair back from his forehead. She sits silent for a long time. I stand behind her waiting. Brian is sitting on the other side of Guthrie's bed.

She sighs and leans over and kisses Guthrie's cheek. Anyone looking in could see how much she loves him. Anyone looking in would _know_ they are mother and son. I can't even begin to manage the tidal wave of love that washes over me. _I love her_, is all I can think. The words seem so puny compared to what I actually feel.

I look up and am shocked to see that Brian is crying. He sobs giant tears. I haven't seen him cry like that since our parents died. I am so surprised that I am paralyzed, but Hannah immediately moves into action and crosses to the other side of the bed, and wraps her arms around the brother who wanted nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with her.

"Shh." She whispers and hums as she gently rocks back and forth with my giant brother in her arms. "Shhh."

He cries for a long time and none of us speak. There is just the sound of Hannah humming and Brian's quiet sobs. Finally, his tears subside, and he is spent. He looks so tired and releasing her I expect him to act embarrassed and cover it up with his standard bravado, but he doesn't.

"I'm so sorry." He says, but he doesn't mean about falling apart just now and she knows it. "Please say you'll forgive me."

"Of course." She says, and I can hear the love in her voice; her words drip with love. "You're my brother, of course I forgive you." He swallows hard at the word brother, ducking his head. "You were just protecting Adam, I know that." She reaches out and runs her fingers lightly across his cheek. "I love him too, Brian. I promise you, I'll never leave him as long as it is in my power."

He nods then. "I know it." He says. "Now, go on. You need to sleep. You need to go ahead and cry, Hannah. Adam?" He looks up at me.

"You don't need to say it." I tell him. "She's my girl. I'll keep watch."

"Good." He says. He lies back down next to Guthrie. "Go on. I'm okay, Sis." She rises but not before kissing his forehead, and then turns to hold tightly to my hand.

"Geez, enough with the mush." He says mostly for the sake of tradition, but I know that isn't what he's saying at all. We click out the lamp and leave them, and it is when we are climbing the stairs together in the darkness that he calls out to us.

"Adam, she's not just your girl. She's our girl too." He says possessively in that dark night.

"Yeah." I agree, and I lead my wife back into our bedroom. She's finally ready now to let go, and has already begun to cry. I wrap my arms around her, even as I close the door knowing that I'll hold her long after exhaustion finally pulls her into a weary sleep.


	6. Evan

I try to sneak out before she catches me. I know I promised to fix the wash line but I've got other things that are more important just now. It's been wet and cold these last few days so it isn't like she's gonna use it. Besides, maybe if I put it off enough Adam will fix it for her.

I glance around downstairs and it looks like the coast is clear but I can hear voices out front. I turn and decide to sneak out the back door and Bam! That's when I get caught.

"Evan!" She smiles at me. "I was hoping you got that line finished for me. I was gonna wash out the rugs but can't do it 'til that line's fixed." Her voice isn't angry and I know I should just do it but something in me wants to fight her. All week long I've been in such a horrible mood - ready to fight anyone and everyone who wants to boss me.

"I _said_ I would!" I let all my irritation leak into my voice and she looks up surprised. I don't even know why I'm being so rude. I love Hannah, I really do. This week's been hell on her too. Tim's still lying in a coma and no one knows what will happen. But there's something in me that just seems determined to fight.

"I know you did, Evan." She says calmly but her tone isn't cheerful in the least. "You told me you would last week _and_ the week before that." She stands looking at me; waiting.

"Yeah, well, I'll get to it!" I say frustrated. "I've got other chores too, you know."

"What's going on?" Brian asks stepping into the room.

Ah, great! Just what I need! Big brother!

"Nothing." I say.

"Good. I'm glad it's nothing." He says. "'Cause from what I heard it sounded like a boy trying to get out of a simple chore, and being disrespectful on top of it."

"Brian! Jesus!" I say. This whole thing is just ridiculous. "It's just a stupid wash line. Adam could fix it! She's _his_ wife." Even hearing myself say it, I recognize how mean it sounds; how cold.

"She's your sister, and more importantly _you_ said you would do it. Are you a man of your word or not?" He's pissed, which surprises me because it isn't like he's her biggest fan.

"Whatever." I say trying to brush the whole thing off. I glance up because I've been avoiding her eyes, but now I can see how hurt she is. How much I hurt her.

"No, it isn't whatever. Go and fix the wash line. Now. Don't do anything else." He's furious. "Then you can apologize for being so rude, disrespectful, and disobedient." He says to me.

"Brian." She says softly.

I'm furious now. I feel something bubbling up in me that I just can't stop. And even though I know shouldn't and even though I know how much it will hurt her I can't stop myself. I stand with my feet planted and say angrily, "She's not my mother."

"Get you ass outside, and fix the line." Brian says. He doesn't yell it. He whispers it, which is ten times more frightening. He takes a half-step toward me, and I'm already running out the door. But still I feel an unreasonable meanness and say as I go, "What the hell's your problem, Brian? You don't even like her." I'm gone already, the back door slamming, but I know I'd better keep running for the rest of my life because if Brian doesn't kill me later, Adam surely will.

***7***

I let Diablo graze, and sit on a rock trying to think my way out of this stupid mess. The whole week has been horrible, from trying to fight Daniel for the jeep, to Tim being so badly hurt, and it just seems like everything I do, ends in a fight. I fought with Daniel all week long, and Ford. I even told Guthrie to stay away from me or I'd pop him one. Guthrie can be annoyingly clinging sometimes, but he's really a good kid. He always gets left out or left behind because he's so much younger than everyone.

I don't know why I had to be so mean to Hannah. I do like her, and am really glad she's with us, but sometimes, I get so irritated. I already had four brothers trying to boss me, and now I got her too. I still haven't fixed that damn wash line which is ridiculous. The whole job would probably take me fifteen minutes. I sit with my chin in my hands trying to figure my out of the mess I'm in when I hear the sound of horse hooves.

_Dear Sweet Jesus, Please don't let it be Adam._ I pray silently and turn around just in time to see Brian climb down off his horse.

_Ah, hell. I don't think this is gonna be much better. _I think to myself feeling my stomach begin to churn.

He stands beside me saying nothing for awhile and then finally surprises me with a question.

"Did you fall and hit your head recently?" He asks.

"What?" I say confused. His question throws me off balance.

"Well, the only way I can figure you treating her so rudely, is if maybe you hit your head and have some sort of brain injury."

"Brian . . ." I say.

"You made her cry." He said. "She cried right in front of me, and you know how much she _hates_ doing that."

I sigh feeling miserable. I am a complete jackass.

"Adam already fixed the line. _He _wanted to come after you, but seeing as how he had murder in his eyes, I thought it would be better if it were me."

"I don't know why I was so ornery." I say looking up at him. "I just . . . it was like something inside of me just wanted to fight. I couldn't stop myself. I knew it was wrong! I knew it was mean!" I sigh deeply and turn my face away. I have never felt more ashamed. "Adam's gonna kill me."

"Yeah, he might." Brian says.

"Great." I say. "Well, I think I'll just build a lean-to over there." I point in the distance. "I can always get a job somewhere riding herd. I've got plenty of experience."

"Yep. You could do that. Or you could man-up and come home and set things right."

"How can I do that?" I ask him. "The things I said!"

"Yeah, they were pretty damn awful. Especially to say them to her this week. I mean, Jesus Evan, Tim's probably gonna die, and she tried to . . ." He swallows hard. "It is no easy thing to grow into a man, and there's some bumpy days ahead of you yet, I imagine. Seventeen's no picnic, and we've had our share of changes this year. But you know how much she loves you, and what's more you know she doesn't have to. She didn't sign up for taking care of us. She doesn't have to wash your clothes, or cook for you, or bake your birthday cake, or give a damn about you."

"I know that." I sigh. "Since when are you her defender anyway?" I'm confused. Brian has never hid his discomfort of her invasion.

"I suppose I deserve that. You are right. I was a pretty big jackass to her from day one. But I was just . . ." He sits down beside me, and I'm surprised at how vulnerable he looks. Brian is tough as steel. I wish I were half as tough as him, but he seems almost, well human as he talks.

"I was just a big chicken, Evan. I was terrified of her." He confesses and I'm shocked.

"No." I say. I can't imagine my brother afraid of anything. "You've never been scared a day in your life."

He laughs. "Evan, I'm scared every damn day. I've been terrified since . . ." He shifts and turns toward me. "Look, caring about people is pretty dangerous. You know what can happen. I have a problem with new people. I don't know if you picked up on that. Think about it Evan, all the girls I've dated and I've never been serious about one of them - not one. Would you have predicted that Adam found a wife before I did?"

"I didn't know Adam dated any girls." I say with a laugh. "Not since I was little anyway. I figured he just gave up."

"Yeah, me too." He shakes his head. "He's 100 times tougher than me, and braver too. I couldn't do what he's done not in a million years!"

"How am I ever gonna go home?" I ask him shaking me head. "Adam's gonna kill me, and even if he doesn't I have to face her. I was so . . ."

"Yeah. It was pretty bad. But as for Adam trying to kill you, the good news is she's on _your_ side. She's the one who talked him down from coming after you."

"Why would she . . ." Now, I feel even worse.

"Well, inexplicably, she seems to love you." He looks over at me. "My personal experience is, that she's pretty damn forgiving."

"You apologized?" I'm shocked. I can think of two times in my whole life I've actually heard Brian say he was sorry. Usually, he just does something to show he's sorry.

"Yep." He says and all his bravado is back. "It's what a man does, Evan; a real man anyway."

"Yeah." I say, but I feel like I'm gonna throw up. "Alright."

***7***

I stand waiting on the front porch. I can't go inside. It is early evening and everyone is inside. I can't have witnesses to my pathetic attempt to set things right. It would be ten times more humiliating besides I'm still not convinced that Adam won't kill me; Guthrie shouldn't have to witness a murder.

They step out on the porch together, and I am wise to fear Adam, he's furious. I can already see the vein bulging on his neck. Hannah, on the other hand, has a slight grin on her face.

"Evan." She says softly. "I was worried about you." She reaches out and squeezes my shoulder gently.

"I hope you have come to your senses," Adam says and his voice is cold as steel. "You say one mean word and I'll . . ."

"Adam!" She cuts him off sharply.

"No, he's right Hannah. I was such a complete . . ." I sigh and am ashamed to feel my tears come to my eyes. "I never should have been so horrible. I don't know why I was so mean to you. I'm so sorry for those things I said. I'm so sorry I didn't do what you asked." I hang my head so ashamed, but am surprised to feel her soft fingers lifting my chin so she can look in my eyes.

"I forgive you." She says. "Everyone has bad days. And you should know, Evan I would never, ever want you to think, I'm trying to push into her spot. I'm so sorry if I made you feel that way."

_Ah, hell_! I can't believe she's apologizing to me!

"No, I don't even know why I said that. I know that. I'm really grateful that you are so kind to me. You didn't have to . . ." I can't really finish the thought. "I'm so sorry, Hannah."

"You already said that." She smiles at me. "And I already forgave you." She steps forward and kisses me on my cheek. "Adam forgives you too." She says with a grin. "You just can't tell from his expression."

I look at my big brother, and she's right. He still looks like he wants to rip my head from my body.

"Adam, I was such a jerk to her. You are right. I'm sorry to you too. I know I let you down. I know that. I don't even know what came over me! It was like something inside me just wanted to fight. I couldn't even stop it."

Adam still says nothing and sighing, he leans against the side of the porch.

"I never told you about the time I told mom to go to hell, did I?" He says confessionaly, and I'm completely shocked.

"What?" My eyes must be huge.

"Now, that I think about it, I was seventeen." He gives me a grin. "I opened my mouth and out it came. God! The look in her eyes! I felt like I'd just killed her, you know? It wasn't even over anything important. I wanted to stay out past curfew with some guys and she said no. What a stupid thing to fight over! I just couldn't seem to stop myself."

"What happened?" I ask him completely stunned. Adam was the PERFECT son. I never remember him fighting with them. 'Course I was really young when they died, so my memories are fuzzy. I remember thinking that both Adam and Brian were heroes. They were tall, capable, strong, and usually kind to us. They could ride, drive, rope and do any job that Dad asked them. I was amazed by them.

"Well, the worst of it was Dad was standing right behind me when I said it. I thought for sure, he was gonna lay me out."

"What did he do?" I asked.

"He said, 'Junior, get on out of this house right now. I'll come find you later.' He didn't shout it either. He said it in this really calm terrifying voice. I lit out of the house and ran and ran!"

"Did he come looking for you?" I can't believe that he said that to our mom.

"Oh, yeah. I was all the way up near Table Mountain by then, and it had started to rain, which was perfect for me. I felt that I deserved to be flooded and pushed over a cliff. As soon as I saw him, I started apologizing. God, I sobbed like I was three years old."

"What did he say?" I am fascinated. We've told the stories of mom and dad over and over and over again. A new story is like a gift - one more minute with them.

"Same thing, I'm gonna tell you, more or less." He looks at me, and I can see the anger is gone. "He said, 'Growing into a man is no easy task. Some days you feel like fighting the world just to prove you aren't a boy, but you can't treat other people badly because you are struggling on the inside. You can never speak to your mother like that, Junior. I will lay you out. My first obligation is to her. I picked her, you came along later, and I love you more than anything, but you will never, ever speak to my girl that way. I won't allow it.' And I won't either, Evan. You will never talk to my girl like that again. I love you. I do but she's my girl."

I hang my head so ashamed.

"I felt so bad. You can't even imagine it." He tells me.

"I can." I look up at him.

"Yeah," He says with a laugh. "I imagine you can."

I look over at Hannah who has tears in her eyes.

"You've never made me feel like you are trying to push into her spot. You've always been really respectful, and I appreciate it. And I know you just agreed to marry him, and didn't even know about us when you did. But I'm really grateful for all the things you do for me. I am, and the very least I can do is a simple chore for you."

"Oh," She says. "You don't need to . . ." But I interrupt her before she can brush it off.

"No, I do. I don't want you thinking I resent you being here. I don't. I just sometimes, want to be my own man and not have _anyone_ telling me what to do; not you, not Adam, or Brian or Crane or Daniel. I guess that's what I was fighting on the inside. Adam's right. If I truly were a man, I would manage what I'm feeling on the inside without hurting folks around me. And I know I hurt you, Hannah."

She says nothing, just stands blinking at me for a few seconds, and then she has her arms around me and is kissing the side of my face.

"I love you, Evan." She says softly. "I'm so thankful to have you as my brother. Today is over and done, and I won't have you beating yourself up over it, alright?"

I swallow hard and she steps back from me, a smile on her face. Adam slides his arm around her, and it looks like his rib cage is gonna burst. He's so proud of her.

"Well, at least you won't have to worry about the dishes for awhile." He says to her.

"No, she won't." I say and my voice is solid like the ground beneath our feet. We all go inside then, and I feel so much better; better than I have in days. And I'm so glad that we were able to sort it all out because it isn't twenty minutes later that the phone rings, to tell us that Tim has lost his fight.


	7. Guthrie

_Author's Note: I've been working on some chapters for this story and had intended to post a new one on Saturday, but someone at work accidentally knocked over a cast iron pan, which inadvertently landed on my head. Long story short, consider me an excellent first hand resource for research on concussions. The greatest side-effect I can tell you about is posting chapters slowly! Oh well! Hopefully, my brain is still working and this hasn't destroyed my ability to post stories. My injured skull would appreciate any reviews._

***7***

I stand just outside the kitchen. I'm spying. I know I shouldn't, but I do anyway. If I were completely honest, I spy more than I should. My whole life long, we never had a girl in the house. Well, that's not true, but I don't remember my mother, so Hannah is a mystery to me. I've been to my friends' houses of course, and seen their parents. I've sort of seen what it is like to have a mom around the house, but it is different when it is your house. So I watch them. I'm kind of fascinated by it - I mean why would Adam want to get married all of the sudden? It seemed crazy to me.

So I peer around corners sometimes, and listen. I love the sound of them talking to each other, or laughing together, which is why I keep spying even though I know I shouldn't. Besides, some day I might want to get married, and I'm curious to see what being married is like. As far as I can tell, being married is sort of like having your best friend over at your house all the time. They are so happy together. And it's about kissing too. I know that. They are _always_ kissing. It's funny because I thought that sort of thing would bother me, but it doesn't. It makes me feel . . . I don't know; safe, I guess.

Listening to them doesn't make me feel safe just now. Adam is furious and I'm not sure why.

"Let Brian go." I hear her say. "You are too angry."

"It's my job." Adam says in a voice that is cold as steel. "I'm the one who's supposed to take care of you, not Brian."

"Adam." Her voice is really soft and I have to lean my head close to the doorway to hear it. "I'm fine. He just upset me, but that's not who Evan is, and you know it. It's no easy thing to grow up, and it isn't like he's had a ton of time to adjust to me being here. You walked in the door one day with me, out of the blue. There will be some rough days ahead. You know that. I know Evan didn't mean it, and I promise you he's regretting. You could see it in his eyes."

"Adam, let me go." I hear Brian say. "There's no reason it has to be you. I was there. I heard what he said, and he knows that it was wrong. She's right, Adam. Let me talk to him. I swear, I'll rip his head from his shoulders if that's what he needs, but Adam, we're talking about Evan here. You know him. His temper . . .he's seventeen Adam. You know how hard that is."

Adam sighs. "Both of you. It's ridiculous. He's rude and you both are standing up for him. You," He says pointing at Hannah. "There's not a man in this house who deserves you. Certainly not me." He sighs and turns from her, and that's when he sees me.

"Guthrie." He says, and I hang my head sheepishly. "Come here."

I hesitate as Brian and Hannah all look at me.

"What have I told you about spying, Short Stuff?" Brian asks me as I step into the kitchen.

"That it isn't respectful." He's caught me spying a time or two. "You were talking kind of loud."

"Guthrie, come here." Hannah says. She wipes her eyes with the back of her hand, and I go to her. She puts an arm over my shoulders. "Everything is gonna be alright." She says as she kisses my cheek.

My friends complain about their moms all the time. But they are so stupid. The first second I saw Hannah, the very first, it was like finding something that I'd lost. I know she isn't my mom, not really, but I pretend, and in my pretending I am the biggest Mama's boy you've ever known.

"Everything is fine. We'll work it out." She says to me and I relax against her side. She's never once lied to me. I trust her just like I trust Adam.

"Is Evan in trouble?" I ask them.

"Yeah, partner, he is." Brian says. "But I'm gonna go and set him on the right path, and Adam's gonna stay here and kiss Hannah, and you," He pauses and puts a hand on my shoulder directing me away from Hannah. "You are gonna go feed the sheep and the goats, alright?"

"Brian . . ." Adam begins.

"You don't want to kiss her?" Brian asks. "Well, I guess you could go feed the sheep and the goats, but it seems like kissing your wife's a better choice. I mean, she's kind of had a crappy day."

Only Brian gets away with giving Adam crap like that. Daniel tries to pull it off from time to time, but it never works. I think it's pretty funny, and out of the corner of my eye I can see Hannah give the slightest grin.

"I never said I didn't want to . . oh, hell, never mind." Adam sighs. "Go, you are probably right. I'd lose my temper and . . ." He glances at me. "Well, you all know my temper." He shrugs.

"We're pretty familiar with it." Brian says with a grin. "Of course, I'm not saying I won't pound him into dust if he isn't properly remorseful."

"He will be. You are talking about Evan." Hannah says. "He's just got a temper." She grins. "I'm starting to think it runs in the family. Well, except for Guthrie here."

"No one gives me a chance to have a temper." I tell her. "They all beat me too it."

"Don't worry, I'll talk sense into the kid. He'll understand the error of his ways, I promise it. You remember what mom always said?" He grins at Adam.

"Brothers always stick together, first?" Adam asks with a furrowed brow.

"Yeah, well, this time I guess we'll have to change it a bit. Defending your sister comes first?" Brian asks.

"Never cross your brother's girl?" I offer.

"That's pretty good, Short Stuff." Brian reaches out and messes with my hair. "Come on, Guth." Brian says and I follow him out but I glance behind me to see Adam wrapping his arms around Hannah, who rests against his shoulder. I feel better somehow.

***7***

I watch them on the porch and when Hannah hugs Evan, I know that everything is alright. I sit back down on the couch and figure I may as well finish my math homework. I'm just about finished with problem number twenty-four, when they all come back inside. Evan immediately goes over to Brian who hugs him, and I can tell that things are back to normal - well as normal as they ever get for us.

The phone rings and Hannah answers it, and all my peaceful feelings go away. Her face turns white and her hand flutters in the air like a small bird.

"Adam!" She says and we all look up because her voice is so different. But Adam has gone out to the barn to check on a sick ewe. So it is Brian who goes to her and reaches for her fluttering hand. And I run, sliding down the porch steps.

"What?" He asks sharply when he sees my face. He drops the bucket in his hand scattering feed everywhere.

"Hannah." I say. "The phone rang."

He closes his eyes for a brief second. "Poor Andrew and Darlene." He sighs and pulls me toward him. He kisses the top oft head which normally drives me nuts.

"Hannah!" I say again, frustrated that this is taking so long.

He looks at me with a sad grin and then we are sprinting across the cold yard and up the steps into the house.

It as if no one has really moved, except Brian who kneels beside her and is holding her hand. Both of them look white and seeing her tears makes me feel like I've been punched in the stomach.

Adam goes to her and crouches in front of her as Brian shifts out if the way. "Tim?" He asks softly and she nods her head slightly. He wraps his arms around her and lifts her moving a step backwards so that they are now sitting together on the couch as she sobs into his shoulder. It was so gracefully done - almost like a dance. I hate seeing her so sad. I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn to look up into Brian's face which is streaked with tears.

"Come on, partner." He says and his voice is strange.

He turns to lead me away and I realize all my brothers have left the room.

"Guthrie." She says sitting up and turning away from Adam. "Hon, I'm sorry. Are you okay?" She moves to come to me and there's nothing I want more, but I know that isn't what she needs.

"I'm okay." I lie and tell her. "You stay with Adam." And as I turn and leave the room I watch her settle back into my brother's arms. I look up into Brian's face and wrap my arm around him.

"Sister is too small a word." I say and even as I do my mind shifts and I can see myself racing Tim to the bus on a cool fall morning.

"Yeah, it sure as hell is pal." I stay with my brother because it comforts me to be near him and because I hate to think of him sad all alone. But I also stay with him because I know Hannah would hate if he were all alone just now. And I always try to do what my mother wants.


	8. Hannah 2

I pour myself a cup of coffee. It is unusually quiet this morning. Ford, Evan and Daniel are at the breakfast table - all of them picking at their plates- no one is really eating. I am just about to take a sip when Guthrie steps into the room wearing a button down shirt and tie. He looks so handsome that I want to fuss but know it will just embarrass him.

"Do I look right?" He asks shyly.

I cross the room and straighten his tie, and collar, not because it needs to be done, but because I want to put my arms around him, and feel that he is safe.

"You look handsome." I say and brush my hand across his cheek. He ducks away, but slowly, and moves to sit down at the table. I pick my coffee cup back up and lean against the counter sipping it. I watch them, and fight an urge to gather every single one of them in my arms.

I haven't slept much. Every time I drop off to sleep, I dream it all over again. I wake up hyperventilating and scaring Adam to death nearly every single time. I see it all again in my dreams in slow motion, but every time we would go to roll Tim over onto his back, it is Guthrie's face I see. That's when I wake up. After about the fourth time last night, I told Adam there was no way in hell he could convince me to go back to sleep. That was at about four this morning. By the time the boys crawled out of bed for breakfast, I had done three loads of laundry, mended a pair of Guthrie's jeans, and put together next week's menu - beside cooking a big breakfast that I knew no one would have a heart to eat.

It takes two cars to get us anywhere so we split up. Brian drives the truck with Daniel and Evan. While Adam and I take Guthrie, Ford and Crane, who squash together in the back. I can feel Ford's knees digging in the back of my seat and usually it bothers me, but right now it is so comforting.

It is only as I step into the church that I realize the last funeral I attended was my mother's nearly five years ago. I can't begin to fathom the difference between that one and this one. Then, I stood alone, clenching and unclenching my fists, trying to keep myself together and upright. Now, I am surrounded by some of the best looking men you'll ever see; my family; my brothers.

I stand between Adam, who keeps a protective arm around me every single second, and Guthrie who holds onto my hand. I glance over at Brian, who is standing on the other side of Guthrie with an arm wrapped around Ford. He smiles at me sadly and I nod my head. It used to be that whenever I saw him, I would get nervous - so focused on trying to figure away to make him like me. Now, I feel comforted by his presence. He knows what happened on that hillside; how hard we tried to make this day different.

The coffin is beautiful which is an odd thing to say, but it is true. Whoever made it poured time and effort into it, and it is good to know that Tim will be forever wrapped in something that was made with love and care.

I have few memories of him. I can remember seeing him bound toward the bus stop racing with Guthrie. He loved to race someone to the bus stop and all the kids took turns at it. It was so easy to make him happy. I remember once, at one of Guthrie's soccer games, he came up to me and touched my face. "You are pretty." He said. "You are Guthrie's mama now?"

"Yes." I said thinking it was too complicated to explain things as the really were, but standing now with Guthrie at my side, I think that maybe Tim knew something I didn't. He could see it even back then. I look over at Guthrie who looks so pale and still. Guthrie is almost never still, unless he's sound asleep, and even then he flips and kicks. I don't know how Brian can get any sleep beside him. I let go of his hand only to put my arm around him, and he leans his head on my shoulder. I turn and kiss his forehead, and as I do, he reaches out clinging to my hand.

Later, I help put out the food at the Collin's ranch. The house is filled with everyone in Murphys, just as the church was. Tim's two older sisters sit together looking so sad. Darlene is surrounded by good friends, but you can tell she is still alone. I wince seeing her eyes which are so filled with sorrow. I cannot imagine the anguish of laying one of your boys to rest.

She and her husband Andrew are a good fifteen years older than Adam, and I, so I don't know them well. They were friends of his parents though, and he told me that after they died she would bring them a meal once a week for years. Adam is standing beside Andrew. He catches my eye and winks at me. I sigh comforted by even just that small gesture from him.

I turn back to the bread I am slicing and feel so unbelievably tired. It was just eight days ago, that we all were here filled with hope and confidence, ready to bring a lost boy home. I suppose Tim is home, but not the way his parents wanted. It feels hot in the kitchen and even though it is nearly December, I step out onto the porch and wander out into the yard, wanting to get away from everyone. Hearing footsteps I turn expecting to see Adam, but it is Brian who has followed me.

"There's too many people in there." He says standing beside me.

I say nothing and nod my head.

"Andrew talk to you?" He asks me.

"No. He tried to, but . . ." When I turned to speak to him, his blue eyes were filled with such pain. He opened his mouth to speak to me, but then his eyes filled with tears, and Darlene took his hand and led him away.

"He wanted to say thank you - especially to you - for all that you tried to do. He told me to make sure that you knew how much they appreciated it."

I nod my head again.

"When's the last time you slept?" He asks me, and I shrug.

"I have bad dreams." I confess quietly.

"Me too." He says with a sigh. I am filled with another layer of sadness at his words. The thought of him waking up alone from a bad dream horrifies me. Every single time that I wake up, Adam is there to put his arms around me, and whisper softly to me.

"I wish . . ." I begin, but can't really finish it. But I do wish with all my heart that he had a wife too. Someone who could wrap her arms around him whenever he had a bad dream.

"I hate funerals." Brian says. "I really hate this part - all these people gathering together to comfort you, when you can't be comforted." He rubs his hands over his face.

I can't think of anything to say. It is one thing for Adam to tell me that their parent's died ten years ago - nearly eleven now, but it is whole other thing to really think about it. Adam was seventeen. Brian sixteen. They became parents from that day on and I can't fathom it. They had five little boys to take care of and every single one of them was brokenhearted. Guthrie was two years old, a baby still.

I've seen pictures of all of them at that time. They look so small and so young. But just like any other kid in a school picture, their hair is clean and combed; their faces shiny. You can tell that someone made sure they were ready for picture day. That somebody was a teenager who was struggling to navigate the difficult waters of parenting, just six weeks after graduating from high school; my husband. He is a man built up so strong by his parents that he was somehow able not only to carry on without them, but to lead his brothers forward too. I am so lost in thought that I've almost forgotten Brian standing beside me.

"You okay?" He asks shaking me out of my thoughts.

"I don't know how you did it? How did you do it?" I ask him with wide eyes.

"Oh, well." He ducks his head knowing just what I'm talking about. "We didn't really have a choice, did we?"

"That doesn't mean it isn't impressive." I tell him. "You two, you are made of steel."

"Nah." He brushes it off. "We loved them, and couldn't bear the thought of losing them too. Besides, folks could say the same of you, couldn't they?"

"I'm twenty-three." I point out to him.

"Oh, you are a baby still." He says with a laugh. He's twenty-five; an old man.

"That's not what I meant." I say to him.

"I know what you meant." He says with a sigh. "Sometimes, I can't believe it myself. I mean if I picked up a newspaper and read our story, I'd be shocked too. It was just one day at a time, and the next thing you know, Guthrie's not a baby anymore."

I nod my head, and reach for his hand. We stand facing away from the house looking at the mountains and hills beyond. It is cold, but clear and the sky is bright filled with white fluffy clouds.

"I never did thank you for helping me." I say to him.

"You didn't apologize for scrambling down that cliff either." He points out.

"Well, I was sort of panicked at the time. I suppose you are right. I could've waited for a rope."

"So, you are saying I am right?" He raises an eyebrow at me.

"I didn't say that." I protest.

We stand together silent again and I know he is probably thinking of that hillside just like I am.

"I wish we could have saved him." I say softly.

"We tried like hell, didn't we?" He says looking at me.

"We sure did." I say, and he puts an arm around me, and I lean against him as he kisses my forehead. We stay close like that for a few minutes and then, he pulls me along with him.

"Come on. You and Adam go home. You need some sleep. Crane and I will round up the boys later." He walks me over to Adam who is standing with Ed and his wife.

"Take her home." Brian says to me. "She's worn out. Crane and I will bring the boys home later. Take the truck."

Adam says nothing, but reaches out and pulls Brian close and into a hug. He surprises me by kissing Brian's cheek before releasing him and taking my hand. Brian doesn't seem embarrassed in the least, and watches us leave. I am surprised over and over, at how open Adam still is. Life was hard on him, but he isn't jaded or fearful. He is openly loving to all his brothers, and to me. He is not afraid of his emotions. "Men cry." I heard him tell Guthrie just this morning. "Don't believe some stupid mixed up lie about that. You've seen me cry lots of time. You think I'm not a man?" He stands in our kitchen looking down at his baby brother a grin across his chiseled jaw.

"No, sir." Guthrie says with a laugh.

"Alright then. Don't you worry about it buddy. If you feel like crying, cry. No one will think less of you - no man," He glances at me. "or woman from this house anyway. And if you don't feel like crying don't worry about that either. Death's a strange thing, Guth. Sometimes you feel it, and sometimes you don't."

"It sort of just hovers in the background sometimes." Brian adds. "You'll be perfectly fine, and then the strangest thing will set you off."

"Once I was in the middle of a basketball game - fortunately it was just a scrimmage, and all of the sudden I started bawling." Daniel says to Guthrie.

"I've seen you play." Brian laughs. "I understand the crying." But his hand is on Daniel's shoulder squeezing gently.

I wonder what they were like before. I am amazed daily at how loving they are. It astounds me, and was the last thing I expected from seven men. You can see it best when they are dealing with Ford and Guthrie, but they all treat each other so gently. It is surprising from a group of cowboys.

No one in my house was ever gentle; my father was a cruel drunk, and my mother too battered to do much else but survive. Then, after he left, she was too weary. She loved me, but worked three jobs to try and make ends meet. And always, every single day, until he died, she prayed my father would come back.

I look up at Brian now and as Adam releases him from the hug he is not the least bit embarrassed. He turns to me. "Don't worry, there little Mama. I'll watch over all the babies for you." I blush and smile at him, as Adam takes my hand leading me to the jeep.

The rumbling of the truck over the bumpy ground makes me sleepy and I lean against the seat, so tired and yet fearful too. I do not want to dream it again. I must have dozed off though, for the next thing I know, Adam is leaning over kissing me awake.

"Come on, hon. Let's get you into bed."

"You are always trying to get me into bed." I say with a laugh, and his eyes open wide with surprise.

"Hannah Joy McFadden!" He says pretending to be shocked.

I have no middle name. My father was supposed to pick one, but he refused. He had hoped I would be a boy and when he discovered I was a girl he took his anger out on a newborn baby - refusing to add a middle name. It must've been right before he left for round-up that Adam called me Hannah Joy for the first time. We were kissing, and he said shyly, "I love you Hannah Joy."

"Why did you call me that?" I asked him shocked.

"I tell you I love you, and that's what you want to ask about?" He said somewhat hurt.

I blushed. "I don't have a middle name at all." I said softly.

"Well, I don't know." He said. "It suits you. You bring me such joy." He blushed embarrassed.

"I love you too, Adam." I said kissing him. I felt so close to him then, so perfectly at peace for the first time in my life. And then he disappeared for what seemed like weeks and weeks and weeks. Even now, I still remember it that way - that he was gone for weeks. I know now, looking back at it, that he was gone just seven days, and that the first thing, the very first thing he did when he got back, was come to me, but when I remember it - I always think of it as being a month or more.

We go inside and I try to go into the laundry room and get things going again, but Adam shoots me a look - the same one he always gives Guthrie when he's trying to get out of mucking out the stables.

"Alright." I say, and he leads me upstairs.

I lay down too tired to even change out my dress. "It is too quiet." I say staring up at the ceiling. He sits on the edge of the bed next to me.

"Go to sleep."

"What about you?" I ask holding onto his hand.

"I'm gonna go check on that ewe, and then I'll be back." He says.

I pout just a little. It is strange I used to be alone all the time, and since the day I married Adam, I am almost never all by myself. I've gotten used to be surrounded by a rowdy pack of men.

"Hannah," He says. "If I crawl into bed next to you . . ." He sighs. "You need to _sleep_."

I grin at him, and then feel guilty thinking of Darlene and Andrew back at the funeral. My eyes fill suddenly with tears.

"Hey." He says softly.

"I was just . . ." I look up into his eyes. "I was thinking of Darlene and Andrew." I sigh.

"Yeah," He nods, and gives me a gentle shove. "Move over." He lays down next to me, on my side of the bed and I rest my head on his chest.

"I don't want to dream about it anymore." I say softly. "I want to close my eyes and dream of you."

"It haunts you sometimes." He says and I know he's thinking of his own dreams - that cause him to cry even in his sleep. It only happens once in awhile - usually when he's worn out, or one of the boys is sick or struggling. But when it does, he is shaky for days after. He won't tell me about it though, so I can only wrap my arms around him and try to calm him.

I roll toward him and leaning on his chest raise myself up so that I can look into his eyes. "I don't wanna sleep just yet." I say. I expect him to tease me again about being easy, but instead he pulls me in close and kisses me.

***7***

I awaken much later and realize that I've had no dreams. I turn toward his side of the bed but he isn't there. I sit up and look around. It is dark out, so it must be night time. I've slept through the afternoon and into the night. I can see Adam sitting on the window seat, a pencil in his hand and he is writing furiously.

"Adam?" I say softly. He sets the pencil and paper aside and comes to me.

"Bad dream?" He asks concern etched across his face.

"No." I say with a smile. "No dreams at all."

"Good." He says and brushes the hair away from my face, kissing my forehead.

"What are you doing?" I ask him. "What time is it? Are the boys alright?"

"It is 2:30 a.m. The boys are fine. They are all asleep. Everyone managed just fine." He says. "Go on back to sleep."

"What are you writing?" I sit up now. He is trying to avoid telling me. I love Adam, and he's openly sweet with me and with his brothers, but trying to get him to talk and think about the past! It is no easy task! He calls me the Interrogator sometimes, and I don't mean to pry, but I think he could stand a little bit of sorting out the past. I want him to know he isn't all on his own anymore.

"The Lovely Interrogator." He says with a sigh.

"Just asking a question." I say which is my usual response.

"Well, you'd be proud." He says rolling his eyes. "It's dumb, but I was writing a letter to my parents." He looks down shy, embarrassed. He looks adorable like a little boy who's been caught stealing cookies. I grin and pull him to me, kissing him.

"Can I . . ." I begin to ask but he is already crossing the room to bring it to me. He hands it to me silently.

"Are you sure?" I ask.

Shaking his head at me laughing he says, "Seriously, girl? You gonna pretend it wouldn't drive you crazy if I didn't let you read it?"

"I respect your privacy." I say, but he's right. It would drive me nuts.

"I know that." He says suddenly serious. "There's no one else I'd show it to; just you. You and me and are one, so you have to see it." I reach out my hand and run my fingers along his steady jaw.

I sit up and look at his tight writing. Adam's writing is exactly like him. It is small and perfectly neat - controlled, strong, definite.

_Dear Dad and Mom,_

_We are all doing fine. I wanted to say that first of all, but it doesn't seem right somehow. It makes losing you seem small - which is wasn't. I guess it would be more true to say that we have all managed to find a new way of being fine._

_The ranch is going strong, and sometimes we are even in the black. Mostly that is because of my wife. I brought her out to where you are buried. I sometimes ache with a sorrow I just can't ignore wishing with all my heart that you could know her. You would love her so much. I trust her with my whole heart. She is so beautiful and sweet, and all of the boys love her - even Brian - and you know how difficult he can be. She's always got me talking about you, and how I feel about losing you. And you should see how the little ones cling to her - 'course the little ones aren't little anymore._

_We changed the name of the ranch. I felt kind of guilty about it, but then Brian reminded me how you talked about us - running the ranch someday and maybe wanting to change the brand. I had forgotten about that. We are Circle Bar Seven now. Seven together and strong. Remember how you used to say that? And mom would always say, "What about me, Adam?" And you would always tell her, "Girl, you are the Strong part." I always wondered at it - the two of you and how it would feel to have someone that close. I know now. And my girl is the strong part too._

_I could tell you all about the boys, but I know that you must look down on them - on us all. You can see for yourselves how strong they are - what good men you raised. _

_I wanted to say that I was sorry for being such a stupid, know-it-all jerk those last few weeks. You can't know how much I regret it. I am a rancher. I was always meant to be one, and you were so good to me about wanting to get away. You never once acted disappointed, although, I know you must have been. I thought I knew everything. I thought I was so damn smart. It didn't take ten minutes of you being gone for me to realize how wise you were._

_I hope that I've made you proud. I lie awake and night praying that you are proud of me, and that I've done right by you. I tried like hell, to make sure that even Guthrie understood who you were and what you wanted from us. I pray I am a good son._

_I can't tell you how much I miss you both. I ache for you sometimes, and think of you every day. I can remember so many good, good things. You were such a good father. You were the best mother. I hope someday that I'll live up to your high standards when Hannah and I are blessed with children of our own. Until then, I'll continue to raise your sweet cowboys, Mama. I swear I'll make sure they are all gentlemen._

_I'm writing this in your room, in your house - at your ranch. My wife lies sleeping in the bed, and she is so beautiful. I'm not just talking about how she looks though, she is the most beautiful person I've ever known, and it grieves me no end that you could see her just once. She is so good to your cowboys, Mom. She loves them like they are her own, and they love her right back._

_I don't want to end this and say good-bye. I've said goodbye to you enough . . . maybe I'll just leave this unfinished, and let the rest of my days be my letter to you. _

_I love you so much, and hope that I can be as good a man as you. I'm trying, Dad. I'm really trying hard. I hope I make you proud. I hope I've done right by you, and by your boys. I'll keep on trying, and will always, always be _

_Your Son,_

_Adam Jackson McFadden, Jr._

"Oh, Adam!" I say and I am crying. I cannot believe what a good man he is and I cannot believe my good, good fortune that he loves me. If you had tried in some strange science experiment, to build a man who was the opposite of my father - you would have built Adam. He is faithful, strong, loving, dependable, thoughtful, loving, brave, kind and so loving.

"I wish I'd known them." I say again. "I admire them so much." He bites his lip.

"You don't think it's foolish? They can't read it." He says to me rubbing his chin nervously.

"No, darling." I say thinking how beautiful he looks when he's so vulnerable. "They can read it - they can hear it."

"You think?" He asks and I can see tears shimmering in his eyes. "Cause I really do wish . . ." His voice breaks and he clears his throat. "I was such an ungrateful jerk, right in those last days. I want them to know I'm sorry. I want them to know, I was just . . ."

"Seventeen." I say softly thinking of Evan standing in the kitchen fighting with me so angrily. How would Evan have felt if that had been our very last interaction? I am flooded with compassion for my husband who is in some ways still that seventeen year old boy.

He nods his head unable to speak. Finally, he swallows a lump in his throat. "Seventeen's not easy." He whispers.

I pull him into my arms and I can feel his heart beating, and am thankful for it. _Keep beating forever_. I pray thinking of a beautiful coffin surrounded by loved ones. _Let it never be us_.

"You are a good son." I say to him as he cries. He lifts his head and looks at me.

"You really think so? You aren't just saying . . . I trust you, girl. There's no one I trust as much as you, so don't lie to me - you really thinks so?"

"Adam," I say. Then I smile, and say, "Junior, you are such a good son, and such a good man. They are so proud of you. Any father would be proud to call you his son. They are so pleased, Adam. I know it." He looks at me, and his eyes remind me so much of Guthrie just then and I smile hoping that our own children will have his beautiful, trusting eyes. He cries for awhile, and then sits back from me, but still inside my arms, and wipes his eyes.

"I'd given up, and laid it all in the grave with them." He says looking at me. "I knew no girl would ever want to shoulder all this. How could I even ask it?"

"If I recall," I tease him. "You didn't."

"You are never gonna let that go, are you?" He says, and I shake my head at him. "Well, it was . . ."

"You don't have to explain it to me, Adam." I say smiling. "We already travelled that road. I understood it then and still do now."

"Yeah, and that's just what I mean. I know it sounds crazy, but I swear God made you just for me. There's no one else, no one, who'd put up with any of this. I was so . . . I was dead inside - this part of me. The part that dreamed I could have someone just like them. You don't know, I can't even imagine words to say it."

"I was all alone, Adam. No one took up for me - not my mother, not my sister, and certainly not him. It goes both ways, cowboy. He made you for me."

"You saved me." He says.

"We saved each other." I agree.

There aren't words enough, he's right. You can't explain love - the real kind. It is so deep between us, and it doesn't mean we don't have fights - we do. We got enough temper between the two of us to power cities, but even then I can feel his love underneath - it is a steady current that goes on and on and on - like a mighty river. He takes me as I am - lost girl longing for home - just as I take him as he is - with six brothers clinging to his back. I don't know how it is for other married folks - my parents were never _really_ married even though I've seen the pictures of them on their wedding day. Maybe only the lucky ones are truly united - if so I'm the luckiest damn cowgirl who's ever lived.

And I take him by his work-rough hand, and lead him back to our bed, and when the dawn stretches out her fingers to find us, I am still nestled safe in his arms.


	9. Daniel

The wind is bitter cold and the world around me gray and soggy or maybe it's just my mood. It's not like anyone likes funerals, but our family, well, it's like opening a wound. Yesterday's service still hovers over me, and I went out riding to rid myself of it.

Now the cold is getting to me and I'm thinking of heading back to the ranch. Hannah was working on a stew as I was leaving. Her stew is so good it'll make you cry. I'm picturing us altogether around a warm fire, everyone of us grateful to be together and not facing the grinding pain that Tim's family is suffering. I turn my horse and as I ride, I'm surprised to see Chief lazily eating a patch of brown grass and pulling the reigns on Rebel, I slow and look around for my brother. He's just coming up from an old dried up creek bed.

I grin as I watch him tuck a bundle of wild flowers into his saddlebag. My brother is dead gone for his wife.

"Botany field trip?" I ask him indicating the flowers.

"You saying she doesn't deserve flowers?" He raises an eyebrow at me and I have to laugh. I don't know why I bother. He always can out-think me. He may look like a mild-mannered rancher, but Adam is as crafty as coyote.

"No, man. Nothing wrong with bringing your girl flowers. Whatever you need to do so I can keep eating that stew, I support it 1,000%. Lord knows, your looks fade over time and you're nearly thirty. You are wise to hedge your bets."

I'm not stupid. As soon as I finish, I give Rebel a kick in the flanks and fly toward home. I can hear Adam coming up on my left, fast. All the while yelling, "Better keep on riding son! When I catch you, it is over!"

I'm laughing as we race toward home and it feels so good to just laugh, but all laughter drains from me as I reach the yard and see a truck in our drive way. Adam rides up just then.

"You are going down, little bro . . ." But the words die on his lips as he sees Andrew and Darlene standing on our front porch.

I am frozen, but Adam hops off Chief and tosses his reins to me. I can see all my brothers on the porch now. They form a half-circle with Hannah at the center.

"Andrew." Adam says embracing him. He reaches out and squeezes Darlene's arm. He kisses her cheek. "You just coming or going?" He asks.

"We just got here. I'm glad you're home Adam."

"Come on in." I hear Hannah say as I turn to take the horses to the barn.

It takes me about fifteen minutes to get the horses settled, so they are in mid-conversation as I finally get to step inside and feel the warmth of home. The whole house smells of stew and my stomach rumbles just thinking of it, but I am filled with guilt that I can only think of my stomach when the Collins are in such pain.

". . . didn't tell folks about it because it was private but seeing you at Tim's service we both realized it might comfort you to know." Mr. Collins was saying.

"We know how hard you worked to save him, Hannah, Brian and anyone can see that it has wounded you to have lost him." Mrs. Collins added.

She doesn't know the half of it. Both Brian and Hannah are so shattered and haunted by it. They are losing sleep over the memories of it and the rest of us are losing sleep over worry for the two of them.

"I wish . . ." Hannah says softly and Adam who is sitting on the arm of the couch beside her reaches for her hand, while Guthrie who sits to her left holds on to her other arm.

"I wish, too." Mrs. Collins says and I feel her anguish like a blow. And it as if I am nine years old again without any solid ground beneath my feet.

"But Tim couldn't have been saved." Mr. Collins says very gently. "He had a heart condition and it was simply a matter of time. We knew if he ever had to undergo CPR there would be no saving him. It doesn't matter when we found him. It wouldn't have mattered if the best doctors in the world had been on that hillside, Tim would still be gone."

I hear a sound and look up surprised to see that Brian is crying. He draws in a deep breath and crosses to where Mr. Collins is sitting beside his wife. He kneels his lanky frame so that he is eye level with them.

"Thank you." He says clasping Mrs. Collins' hand in his, his voice husky with tears. "Thank you for telling us. We've . . ." He glances behind him at Hannah who sheds silent tears. "My sister and I have had such a difficult time. Tim was such a kind boy and we wanted so badly to bring him home to you."

"You did." Mrs. Collins says so softly and I find that my vision is blurred by tears.

_Ah, hell_. I think wishing I was still outside in that bitter cold wind. _This is too real, too painful and too familiar._

"We brought you something." Mr. Collins says, clearing his throat and rising. "We thought you could have Tim's lamb. He loved it so, and well, we thought you should have it because . . ." He looks straight at me. "Well, he uh, he named it Daniel."

I had forgotten about that. Tim had told me that he named his lamb after me. He really liked me for some reason. I protected him from a bully back in first grade and he's worshipped me ever since.

_"I tell everyone how you saved me, Daniel!" Tim had told him nearly daily for years after._

_"I know, Tim." I had always responded trying to be patient._

_"You are like Batman 'cause you help people." Tim had loved Batman._

"He really looked up to you and you were always so kind to him." Mrs. Collins looks at me with eyes that brim with tears, and I feel like crap.

_"Can I come too?" Tim would ask with eyes full of hope._

_"Next time, okay, buddy?" I had told him over and over and over. _

I am a jerk. He could have tagged along with us. What would it have hurt? I sigh, but tucking my real feelings away I say, "Tim was always so friendly."

"I know he probably pestered you a lot but he never felt that you left him out. He always thought of you as his good friend." She tells me kindly.

We all go outside then and they unload Tim's pet lamb who nuzzles me with his cold, wet nose.

I watch as the Collins' leave and as my family says goodbye. I stand numbly in the yard holding a rope that is tied to Tim's pet lamb; Daniel.

"You should put him in the barn." Adam says to me and I realize I am standing all alone. The family has all gone inside and it is just Adam and me standing in the yard. He studies me. "You okay, Danny?"

"Yeah." I say. "Yeah, I just . . ." I look up into my big brother's eyes, suddenly so grateful that I am not alone in this life. "I just could have been kinder to him. I could have let him tag along with me."

Adam says nothing but instead reaches out and grabbing my neck pulls me to him, kissing my cheek as though I were still a small boy. It fills me with such a strong sense of security. "You are a good boy, Danny. I love you." He whispers and I don't even protest that he calls me a boy; I am so comforted.

He releases me, and glancing up sees Crane walking down the steps of the porch to me. He smiles and says, "Here comes your sidekick." He teases understanding how much Crane and I lean on each other. He turns and begins to walk away from me, but watching him go, I call out to him, so that he pauses and turns back to face me.

"Adam?" I say.

"Yeah, Danny?" He says.

"Thanks, man." I look down slightly embarrassed, but then thinking of Tim's coffin and how unpredictable and dangerous this life is, I say, "I love you. You've been a good Dad."

Adam's jaw moves from side-to-side, and I know he must be fighting tears. "Don't call me, Dad." He says gently, and there is no anger or teasing in his voice. He winks at me and walks to the house, passing Crane as he does.

"You putting him in the barn or what?" Crane asks me, and I nod my head and lead Daniel the lamb into the barn.

"Maybe we should call him Daniel, Jr. to avoid confusion." I say to my brother.

"I always wanted to get a donkey and name it Daniel." Crane says as I lead the Daniel, Jr. into the stall. "Then I could tell people, 'Daniel's an ass.'" He grins at me.

"Nice." I tell him spreading some hay around for the lamb who ignores the hay and tries to eat the edge of my coat instead.

"You okay?" Crane asks me. "It was kind of an intense visit."

"Yeah." I sigh. "It is just easy to think of all the ways you could have done things better." I say closing the stall and leaning against it the side.

"It is, but you know nothing good comes from that. Besides, his parents are right. He _felt_ that you were his friend. He _felt_ that you included him. That's what matters."

"You're right." I say, and the two of us walk back and up the steps together. The family is all sitting down around the table for Hannah's stew, and it isn't as noisy as it usually is. I think everyone is sort of caught up in old memories. I wash my hands at the sink, and help Hannah carry some loaves of bread to the table. She smiles at me, and impulsively I kiss her cheek.

She blushes and taking her spot at the table she says, "Flowers! A kiss from your brother! A girl might get used to being spoiled." She winks at Adam who sits across from her.

"And remember, I got the dishes." Evan says with a grin.

"Well, I don't love anything more than I love your stew." I tell her. "I just want you to know how much I appreciate it so you'll make it again; like maybe tomorrow? Or for the next week?" I wink at her. "Besides, I got a big rip in my red shirt, and I'm hoping you can save it. I was just making sure your thoughts towards me were warm."

"I might have known." She says with a sigh. "Well, it was nice to think, it was just because you like me. A girl can dream."

"Oh, the only one who likes you here, is old Adam over there, Sis." Brian teases her.

"The rest of us are just desperate for a good meal." Crane says looking at Brian.

"I can cook." Brian protests.

"We'll add that lie to the list right next to, 'I don't like her.'" Crane says laughing.

"Oh, I'm thinking about changing my mind about that." Brian confesses. "But don't get all stuck up Hannah. I'm still on the fence about you."

"Right." She says. "I'll try and impress you. Although, I did bake three pies . . ."

"Alright." Brian says immediately. "I'm in." We are all laughing when Guthrie stops us all cold.

"Did mom like to tease?" He asks suddenly, and I feel my insides turn to jelly. "Or was she quiet and serious?" The room goes dead silent and we all look down. I try to think of something I can tell my baby brother, but I can't do it. I'm not near strong enough.

"I never told you about the time she turned Dad's hair green? Did I Guth?" Adam asks clearing his throat. I am once again shocked by him. Adam is a man of steel. _Forget, Batman, Tim. _ I think looking at my older brother. _He's got nothing on Adam._

"No!" Guthrie looks up surprised.

"Dad used to say that she was the perfect mix of devil and angel." Brian says gently, nodding at Adam. "She loved to tease and play tricks on him."

"So one day, she took some food coloring and put in the shower head. When Dad came home from working she was just as sweet as could be telling him to go take a hot shower and she'd have some good food waiting for him." Adam continued smiling at Guthrie.

"What happened?" Guthrie asks and you can see such a hunger in his eyes.

"Well, she'd told us boys all about it, and we were just dying to see what he'd do! We hear a yell and then Dad's calling out, 'You better start running girl!' and Mom laughed and screamed and said, 'Hide me boys!'" Adam laughed at the memory. "Dad came running down the hall soaking wet wearing just his boxers - his hair and skin dripping green everywhere! Later, after they'd cleaned everything up, it all came out - except his hair. His hair was slightly green for about a month after."

"The look on Mom's face!" Crane said. "Remember?" Brian, Adam and I nod. I was so little then - maybe four but I still remember them laughing and my father with green hair.

"He called her 'girl'" Guthrie says amazed.

"Yeah." Adam says softly. "He did." He looks at Hannah and blushes. I remember the first time I heard Adam call Hannah "girl" and I was struck by a thousand memories of my parents.

"Food coloring?" Guthrie asks.

"Don't get any ideas, Guth." Hannah says to him.

"Me?" He looks up at her with wide innocent eyes.

"No pie for you, young man." She says laughing.

***7***

I am collapsed on the couch so stuffed with stew and pie that I don't think I can move. Everyone is spread out in the living room. There's a warm fire blazing, and we are tucked inside this warm house while outside cold winds blow. Adam and Hannah both sit in the armchair. He's reading a book on modern farming techniques and she's resting her head on his shoulder half-asleep. Crane sits playing at the piano, while Guthrie, Ford and Evan all work on their homework. Brian sits beside me, slumped down asleep. I can hear him snoring softly.

"Wanna try the new one?" Crane asks me.

I am about to rise and walk to the piano. "No, let's play one of the old songs." I tell him and he nods at me. I look across the room and see the guitar that I will lift and tease a song out of, just as my mother used to when we were all just boys. I sigh contentedly, and think that years from now, I'll remember this night; my brothers and I all together safe and warm. My stomach full of the stew made by my kind, sweet, sister-in-law who spent part of her evening sewing a rip in my favorite shirt not because she has too, but because she loves me. I see Guthrie's head bent over his math book, his bangs falling over his eyes, he glances up and grins at me, as I strum my guitar. He is the happiest kid which is a surprise to some because he is after all a poor orphan; we all are.

I think of Tim and imagine myself, waving to him and calling out, "Come on. You are always welcome. You can tag along with us!"

"Daniel!" Hannah says and she is beside me her arms wrapped tightly around me.

"Shh." She whispers and I realize that I am crying. Brian awakens and wraps his long around me.

"Easy, partner."

"I don't know why . . ." I say.

"It reminds us." Adam says gently. He sits next to Hannah. He has his arms around Hannah who has her arms around me.

"Yeah." I say. I look across and see my brother Crane who has our brother Guthrie on his lap, his head resting on Cranes slim shoulder. Ford and Evan sit on either side.

"Do you think they can see us?" Guthrie asks. "Do they know me?"

"Yes," I tell my baby brother. "And they are proud of you too." I never want him to question their love.

"They are proud of all of you." Adam says kissing my forehead.

"Damn straight!" Brian says.

"I miss them." I say and my brothers nod their heads saying nothing. Sometimes words are too small to say what we mean.

Later that night, I lie in my bed listening to my brother Crane's gentle snoring, and for once it doesn't annoy me, but comforts me. Outside the wind whistles through the branches of the trees and you can hear the low mooing of the stock in the far distance, as the wind carries the cries of a spoiled pet lamb named Daniel into my bedroom window.

I know that someday things will be different. More of my brothers will marry and leave. Someday, Hannah and Adam will have children of their own, and we will spoil them and tell them story after story about their grandparents. Someday, Guthrie will walk across the stage at the school auditorium and be handed a diploma just like the rest of us. And someday, I will be brave enough to pack my things into a suitcase and leave this house, but the things I'll take with me that are most important won't fit into that suitcase. I'll take the memory of my father laughing shaking his green hair, as he kisses my mother's cheek, my brother looking sheepish and saying, "We got married." as my sister-in-law looks at us with wide eyes, the smell of delicious stew on a cold, wet day, and the sound of my brothers singing the songs we've sung since we were small boys looking up to meet our parent's loving gaze. I close my eyes at last, and my dreams are filled with all who love me; my father and mother, Adam and all my brothers, Hannah, and even Tim who is laughing in his Batman costume, as he walks his pet lamb to me saying, "He's for you Daniel, so you won't never forget."

I never will.


	10. Adam 3

I rise with the dawn, kissing Hannah before I do anything else. It is the first night she's slept all the way through since we went out searching for Tim. She looks beautifully at peace and I smile to myself as I climb down the stairs to tackle morning chores. Brian is already in the barn milking the cows.

"Morning." I say but he just grunts at me. Brian has said time and again that he could tolerate ranching much better if the animals didn't get up so early.

By the time we finish, the sun is slowly rising and the boys are coming out for their chores. I step inside the warm kitchen to see Hannah at the stove cooking up a breakfast as Guthrie sits at the table finishing up his homework.

"I don't like you saving it for the last minute." I tell him.

"I know." Guthrie says. "I had this finished already but then thought of a better way to do it."

"What is it?" I ask looking over us shoulder at the notebook in his hands.

He quickly covers the page. "Oh no! Not until I'm finished. Then I'll show it to you."

"Tonight." Hannah says with a smile. "After dinner. Promise me."

"Yes ma'am." He says and I can see he's half proud/half nervous.

"Entertainment." I say moving to kiss my wife.

I am kissing her still as the brats come into the room they hoot and whistle at my poor bride, who blushes and breaks away from my grasp.

"Knock it off, fellas." But she winks at me as we all sit down to breakfast.

I sigh, and take my place wishing I was kissing her still. They all troop off to the bus and Brian, Crane, Daniel and I go over the day's agenda and then all disperse our separate ways. I linger drying the dishes for Hannah before I set out to spend a miserably cold day outside.

"What's the matter?" She asks me.

"Nothing. Why do you think there is something wrong?" I ask her.

"You don't usually hang around. I'm fine, Adam. I feel much better now that I've actually slept. And it is easier now knowing about his heart. You don't have to babysit me." She hands me the last dish and I dry it.

"No, it isn't anything like that. I just, I don't know." I sigh. "Its my mom's birthday." I finally confess.

"Oh, I'm sorry honey." She says and wraps her arms around me.

"It's no big deal." I say, but she doesn't release me. "I think Brian remembers, but I'm not sure. The other guys don't. I don't know. I just . . ." I sigh thinking it is ridiculous to still be upset after all these years. My good, sweet wife says nothing for the longest time, but just holds me close to her, swaying gently, so that it is as if we are dancing together even though there's no music.

"I'm fine." I tell her. "I just wanted you to know." I look down embarrassed.

"You wanna play hooky from work?" She asks still holding me in her arms. "I've got a pile of laundry to tackle. It could be romantic. You fold a sock. I fold a sock. . ." She grins at me and I smile back thankful that she understands me so well.

"I think I'll go ahead and help the boys." I lean in and kiss her deeply. "I'll see you later."

"I also need to clean out the tub." She says. "You could scrub it for me." I shake my head at her, and reach for my hat. As I turn to go she calls out to me.

"Adam, I love you."

"I love you too, girl." I put my hat on and stride out the door feeling unbelievably comforted. "Thanks, Hannah."

"You can say thank you later." She says with a wink, and suddenly it isn't so cold outside.

***7***

It is homework hour. Guthrie, Ford and Evan have their books spread out. Crane sits at the table with them working on the books, and waiting for someone to run into homework trouble. He's the go-to homework man - especially when it comes to math. Hannah usually helps with the writing, although, I'm reliable when it comes to grammar and structure. I'm not usually as patient as she is, nor as sweet when explaining things, though.

Daniel is strumming on his guitar, pouting because he wanted to go into town, but I said no because there's a good storm brewing and I don't like to think of him driving those roads in the dark in a storm. Hannah is sewing a shirt for Evan who wants a new one for the rodeo.

He keeps watch over her, making suggestions as she sews until she finally says, "Evan, why don't you sew up this shirt yourself? You seem to have a good idea of just what you want."

"I'm sorry, Hannah." He looks instantly guilty. "I'm just excited about it. You do such a good job, and I know you can make it just so."

"I'm sorry for fussin' at ya." She says shaking her head at him. "Now, leave me in peace. If you don't like it, I'll change it! But for heaven's sake, let me sew in peace."

I'm laughing. My bride is not mild-mannered. Of course, she could never be - holding your own is necessary for survival in our house, particularly if you are outnumbered seven to one. She hears me laughing and shakes her head at me.

"Guthrie?" I ask. "Did you finish that thing you were working on? You said you show it to us."

"Oh, it's just an assignment for history." He blushes shyly.

"No, you promised me." Hannah says to him. Guthrie cannot say no to Hannah. Actually, none of my brothers can. He digs the paper out of his notebook which is in a horrifying state of disarray. I'm sort of amazed he was able to find it.

He hands it to me and I laugh reading just the first few lines. "Oh, no!" I say to him. "You have to read it out loud Guthrie! This is good."

"Alright," He begins shyly. "We've been studying civilizations and had to create our own country and come up with the rules to govern it. Anyway, I did a real one for the class but then I wrote this one for fun - Mr. Clark gave me extra credit for it though."

"Clark's tests are hard." Ford says. "Extra credit is smart, Guthrie."

"Read it, Guth!" Hannah says.

"Rules for McFadden Island by Guthrie James McFadden." He clears his throat dramatically.

"Rule One - Your brothers always come first. No matter what. Unless, there's a pie involved and then it is every man for himself.

Rule Two - Wives are allowed as long as they are brave. If they can cook the pie mentioned in rule one, that is considered a bonus and they are to be given honorary brother status.

Rule Three - Vehicles must be shared but not horses. Don't bother trying to ride Diablo. It won't end well, plus you'll have to explain to Brother #5 why you were stupid enough to try. He will not find it amusing - unless your arm is broken - then he'll laugh his head off at you.

Rule Four - Brother #1 is boss.

Rule Five - If Brother #1 marries, Rule Four is void. Sister #1 is boss.

Rule Six - You've got to sing - even if you are tone deaf. Every McFadden sings.

Rule Seven - Brother #7 will have to wait for Brothers #1-6 to decide unanimously if he's "old enough" to participate in various events. This will never happen. Brother #7 is out of luck.

Rule Eight - Brother #2 can get away with being grumpy and teasing Brother #1. Brother #4 should stop trying to tease Brother #1, it never works.

Rule Nine - Do NOT call Brother #1 "Dad". It pisses him off, and he _will_ dump a bucket of water on your head to make his irritation clear.

Rule Ten - There's no escaping McFadden Island. Even when you are miles away, the rules apply. They will last forever, especially Rule One."

He grins at us, and I sigh sitting back in the arm chair, with one arm around Hannah. She's smiling at him too.

"That was excellent, Guthrie." She says and he beams.

"I'm not grumpy." Brian says in a huff. Everyone looks at him, and he shrugs.

"I'm not sure about Rule Eight." Daniel says eyeing Guthrie. "You should encourage your brother to keep trying, not tell him to give up."

"Daniel." Guthrie says. "Be realistic."

"I could add a few rules." Daniel mutters, and I laugh thinking of McFadden Island. I could add a few rules myself.

The night slips away from us, and soon everyone is crawling into bed. I'm beat. I've spent nearly the whole day half frozen, facing a bitter winter wind. I double-check the doors, as I do every night. I'm climbing the stairs quietly so as not to bother Brian and Guthrie who are stuck with the living room as their bedroom. I pause on the landing just outside my bedroom door. I can hear Crane and Daniel talking softly in their room, and hear Guthrie downstairs telling Brian not to snore as he does every night. I sigh peacefully.

I think briefly of Tim's family and offer a brief prayer that tonight will be filled with peace and hope for them. Loosing part of your family is so difficult. I think of Rule #1 and how true it is. It is our mother's rule. She instilled it in me on day one.

"_This is Brian." She said lowering the squalling baby so I could see him. I was not impressed. "He is your brother, Adam. Brothers always come first. You have to take care of him, and look after him." She smiled at me as I reached out to touch his face. His skin was so soft and he grabbed my finger surprising me. "See," She said watching us. "He knows you are his brother. That is why he is holding onto you. He always will. Brothers always come first."_

I reach out, my hand on the door. I will open it, and climb into bed beside my wife, gathering her close and into my arms. I'll kiss her, and try and distract her, but I know that lovely interrogator is gonna show up in full force. No doubt I'll tell her stories of my beautiful mother, who was just the right amount of devil and just the right amount of angel, and who was the strong part of "seven together and Strong". She would have been forty-nine today, and no doubt my father would have teased her, but he also would have praised her 'til she blushed and made us all sing "Happy Birthday" to his girl. I wonder, again, as I often do, what she would think about me, and how I am doing at following Rule #1. I only ever aim to be a good son.

"_Adam," She said to me once, not so very long ago. "God gave you to us first because he knew you were just the right man to lead these brothers of yours. Your brothers depend on you and look up to you. You choose your character carefully because it shapes them as well as you. And I am so glad that you are the kind of man who thinks about that and tries hard to do right by his brothers."_

My parents died over a decade ago, but they are never far from us. They hover lovingly near, watching their sons grow. They follow us as we lead their cattle out to graze on the distant hills. They are with us when we strive to turn the dirt and help the garden they planted flourish with new plants, and new flowers. They hear us laughing, and singing, and whisper softly to us when we cry, weeping for them still, even after all these years. I try to see them in mind's eye, standing together arm in arm, smiling proudly as the seven us move together forward and strong.

I can almost hear the letter that they would write back to me, and to my brothers.

Dear Boys,

We will forever hold you in our loving gaze. Remember brothers always stick together first.

Mom and Dad

I can imagine my mother, who had just enough devil in her, to add,

P.S. For pity sakes, boys, share the pie.

I open the door to the room that was once theirs, and smiling turn to my bride and say, "Darlin' did I ever tell you about the time, that Dad and I . . ." enjoying her look of surprise, that for once, she did not have to interrogate me.


End file.
